It’s funny how time seems different according to the situation. A ten minute massage is totally inadequate but ten minutes of a migraine seems never-ending. When waiting for the doctor to call with your test results, five days feels like an eternity but five days at the beach pass by in a flash. Nine months of being pregnant pass so slowly (especially the last two!) but that baby’s first year is over before you know it. We count it in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years but time is relative in so many ways.
Ten years ago today a heart stopped beating and for a while time stood still for our family. When we finally took a breath again, time was marching on and we needed to march with it. It is said time heals all wounds but no one says how quickly or how easily or how completely this will happen. I think that’s because, like time, it’s all relative. We each react, respond and rejuvenate in different ways.
It’s been ten years since my Handsome has said my name or laughed with me (or at me!) or encouraged me, prayed with me, challenged me, hugged me, bought me a gift, written me a love note, celebrated with me or woke up beside me. Ten years ago I could not imagine living ten years without him. Heck, thinking about the next day without him was sometimes to much to bear.
But it’s been ten years and I’m ok. I’m even a little better than ok. And I love life. I love MY life. I have a wonderful family, terrific friends, hopes and dreams for my future and reasons to smile every day. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago and I admit I sometimes miss that girl but I doubt if any of you are the same as you were ten years ago either! Breath means life and life means change. Oh, there’s still an empty part of my heart but it’s not the largest part. There are memories that make me cry but many more make me laugh. I have survived and I’m on my way to thriving!
Eric has missed so many things in the past ten years; the birth of four grandchildren and the opportunity to watch all eight of them grow, marriages, graduations, a church plant, a thriving new business, career choices, new homes, and some fun vacations. His first great-grandchild will be born in August. All of these I wish we could have enjoyed together. But I have enjoyed them and am grateful for God’s faithfulness and patience as my heart has healed. It’s a slow process. But God has given me encouragers, friends that stick like glue (super glue!) who allowed me to cry whenever I needed (they still do!) to talk as much as I wanted and to be alone when it was necessary. Friends who have prayed. A lot!! My family has been a healing balm. It’s because of all this that I can say-ten years later- I’M OK!
Last year a family I love said goodbye to their mom/wife/grandmother. In the last few weeks my mom went to heaven, a long-time friend joined her not long after, a family I attend church with had a heart-breaking loss and a Florida school just suffered a terrible tragedy. Death is a constant. It’s awful, painful, gut-wrenching and leaves us lonely. But God is a constant as well. And He understands our emotions-all of them. He’s not upset when we’re angry with Him. He’s patient with our questions. It’s ok with Him when tears are our only prayers. He has already tapped others in our lives that will walk with us until we can focus and function. He’s so loving through it all.
My mom has seen Eric! She’s seen our child and she’s no doubt talked with friends and family that have been in Glory longer than she has! I’m jealous! We miss her. My friend misses his wife. A fellow Believer misses her daughter and a whole slew of families are just beginning the walk down this road where time seems hard to define. God is with us all on this road allowing each of us to travel at our own pace even if that means going backward sometimes. We do not travel alone. Even those who don’t believe or realize He’s there don’t travel alone. But that’s a discussion for a different blog ☺️
So, as we have reached this ten year milestone please allow me to say thank you to friends old and new who have loved us beyond what we are worth. You have been a beacon of love that has made me feel safe. My life is so enriched because of you. To my family – what would I do without you? Even as I write, your love and care make me cry. I definitely won the family lottery (sorry about your luck though!!) To those family members I say are grafted in by love-you are a joy; thank you for staying grafted when you didn’t have to. To my kids (including my precious daughters-in-law) -I’m sorry you lost your dad so early. I wish it wasn’t so. But I promise you the prayers he has prayed for you will ring into eternity and death does not stop God from answering them. I am proud of you and love you all deeply. You are the best part of my life.
And so, Handsome Man, I love you. I miss you. I think of you daily. But I’m ok. I’m really ok.
“Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah”
Psalms 62:8 NKJV